BREAKING NEWS........ DOUBLE BITE & RUN...... ART STOLEN FROM DC MUSEUM.....

BREAKING NEWS................................

THIS JUST IN .... An exclusive report brought to you by FOX NEWS, the fair and balanced news station that everyone (with an IQ of 50 or below believes.)

Unconfirmed sources have reported that Mitt Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan were victims of a Bite and Run attack an hour ago while on the campaign trail. Hordes of cats, a few dogs, a lone wolf and a few skunks  invaded the Romney Campaign bus and bit all on board while chanting "Show us your tax returns!" A dog wearing a Che Guevara beret bit Romney on the buttocks shouting "That was for Seamus. Next time we will strap you to the roof of our bus!" 

The bus driver survived with the least amount of injuries. He claims that most of the cats were wearing tiaras, some berets, and one was dressed as a Jedi knight complete with cape and light saber.

Screams and sneezes were heard miles away from the attack. A bio-hazard unit was brought in to remove the stench from the bus. Mrs. Romney reports that not only was her designer blouse that cost a mere $10,000 torn, but her watch, earrings and Gucci handbag are now missing. The most horrifying part of it all was that a cat turd was found in her up-do.

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All victims were taken to an undisclosed hospital and are in stable condition. A nurse claims that a cat wearing scrubs and a tiara came into the hospital and switched the pain killer medication with Flintstone vitamins. The nurse and the bus driver are now on medical leave until they pass a psychiatric evaluation.

No comment has been issued by the Romney campaign at this time. Authorities believe this was the work of the infamous liberal domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace run by feline celebrity Zevo hussein Calamari and her cohorts. This dangerous pack of cats have been laying low for quite some time. Speculation was that the cats retired and were living on a remote island with Captain Jack Sparrow while hiding from the CIA, FBI, IRS and Homeland Security. The rebel cats are known for biting political pundits, mostly Republican politicians, stick insect models that wear fur and for sport, the mayor of Salem MA.

No one has seen Mizz Calamari for quite some time. Some believe she roams the streets of Washington DC in disguise conducting her covert activities and planning for more Bite & Runs closer to the election. Others claim she has retired and passed on the reign of power to her bodyguard and Jedi Knight, Sir Nubi wan Kenobi.

In other news....

Earlier today in Washington DC authorities at the National Gallery of Art reported that several Monet paintings were missing when the museum opened. Security cameras seemed to have been taped up with masking tape and cat hair. The FBI has now taken over the crime investigation and refuses to offer any more details until the paintings are discovered.

The Pooses for Peace have released a tape with Zevo Calamari who appears to on a beach. "Mitt Who? Where is the National Art Gallery? Does this Gucci bag make me look fat? Ack ack someone hand me that bottle of Pastis... the taste of stupidity and greed are making me gag, gag.... ack... Oh Capt Jack could you hang that painting in the bedroom please......"

Pooses for Peace Stowaways on Friendship Bound to NY?

Associate Press
Salem MA

BREAKING NEWS...DOMESTIC TERRORIST CATS BELIEVED TO BE STOWAWAYS ON THE TALL SHIP FRIENDSHIP BOUND FOR NYC

The domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace are believed to be stowaways on the tall ship known as the Friendship this evening. It's destination is NYC where the famed cat burglars may be planning one more heist at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.



Mayor Kimberly Driscoll attended the ceremony in her predictable ill fitting black suit. Being caught off guard she was not wearing ankle (or shall we say cankle) or knee guards and is said to be nursing an ankle bite by a mysterious cat wearing a tiara that ran onto the ship. Other cats wearing tiaras, pirate hats and a dog wearing a Che Guevara beret were also spotted running up the ramp unto the shp.

The mayor is in stable condition. Her suit however is covered in grey fur and has several tears. No witnesses were available to identify the so called cat. The mayor has lost credibility with many of the locals of Salem except for the ones who unfortunately drank the dreaded Driscoll- laced coffee served at the Chamber of Commerce meetings.

Unconfirmed sources report that the celebrity cats have been laying low for several months planning for this opportunity. The cats are said to be moving their Bite & Run headquarters out of Salem MA soon to an undisclosed area in the Baltimore/DC area. It is said the cats are tired of the shenanigans happening in Congress and on Capitol Hill and plan to have a presence in when congress returns from their vacation. And they are totally bored with the petty small politics of Salem.



Captain Jack Sparrow, friend and accomplis to the celebrity cats was seen walking through Salem yesterday at the Maritime festival. Authorities believe he is also aboard the Friendship this evening. Homeland security and the FBI have been alerted.

Zevo hussein Calamari, spokespoose for the renegade operation issued a press statement from what appeared to be a bunk in a ship: " It was like totally so cool that everyone was waving white hankies today. Kimmie who? I have a foul taste of politiican in my mouth. Please pass that rum, Jack. Thanks hon."

Deja Vu... Jimmy Buffett Stranded Again at wee Salem's Casino Calamari

Unconfirmed sources report that Jimmy Buffett is snowed in.. again ... at the Casino Calamari located in Wee Salem, MA. (Wee Salem has defected from Salem and the Commonwealth of MA to avoid hideous taxation.)

Due to the snow storm that hit New England last night Buffett's tour bus was forced to park in the Salem Ferry Lot as there is a snow emergency parking ban in effect in Salem. ( It seems that every time Mr Buffett visits the Casino Calamari he gets stranded there.) Odd coincidence....

Mayor Kimberley Driscoll is not happy that the Salem Police have been called in.. again .. due to the loud singing and noise coming from the Casino on Christmas night. A birthday party honoring Mr Buffett was given by his close friends, the domestic terrorist feline group known as The Pooses for Peace.

The celebrity cats have been nothing but a thorn in Driscoll's side since she became the mayor of Salem. (Unconfirmed sources say the Mayor is miffed she was not invited to the party again due to her poor fashion sense and her refusal to wear a coconut bra with the mandatory parrot head grass skirt instead of her ill fitting signature black suit.)

Cats wearing coconut bras, grass skirts and leis invited the police to join the party. Several of the cats had parrots perched on their tiaras. Mayor Kimberly Driscoll denies all reports of Salem Police drinking margaritas and sporting grass skirts with coconut bras. (The mayor is concerned that the Salem Police have already had enough bad press due to the You-Tube incidents that happened near Halloween a few years ago.)

At this time the music and noise continues at the Casino Calamari. Un-manned police cars are still parked outside the Casino. The neighbors who filed the complaint have since been seen wearing orchid leis over their parkas, while drinking margaritas and dancing in the snow.

Sing along with Jimmy and the Pooses for Peace favorite winter song... Boat Drinks

Jedi Cat Helps Wolf Escape

By Associated Press
Tuesday, January 5, 2010

IPSWICH — Police say a wolf that escaped from a Massachusetts wolf sanctuary has returned home on its own and was inebriated.

The 5-year-old female named Nina escaped Wolf Hollow sometime between 6:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. on Monday.

Police Lt. Daniel Moriarty says the animal returned to the sanctuary at about 11 p.m. Moriarty said the wolf apparently climbed up a snowdrift in its pen to get out and was unable to get back inside on its own.

Unconfirmed sources believe that this was the work Jedi cat, Nubi wan Kenobi a member of the infamous Pooses for Peace. Nubi wan wanting to surprise his pet human with a gift for Little Christmas, lured the wolf from the Ipswich sanctuary and rode back to Salem on her back last night. Homeland Security believes that Nina the wolf has joined the Pooses for Peace and was somehow involved in the outburst during Mayor Driscoll's inauguration yesterday.

According to Salem locals, hordes of cats, dogs and skunks held protest signs outside the inauguration ceremony yesterday morning demanding a recount. Pooses for Peace Zevo Calamari was the write in choice for the mayoral election in November. Salem authorities did not count the votes cast by the thousands of cats, dogs, skunks and a few raccoons for Miss Calamari, thus declaring Driscoll the winner. Tensions between Driscoll and Mz Calamari have escalated to a new level.

Extra security was brought in for the ceremony and sources believe the mayor once again wore ankle and knee guards under her only black suit for fear of another Bite & Run incident. However, much to the surprise of everyone the attack did not take place. For some odd reason Mayor Driscoll's black suit was covered in a large amount of fur after the ceremony. She was seen febreezing her pants and taking an antihistamine.

A strange odor did permeate the ceremony and several of those who attended reported their iPhones and earrings to be missing. Others began sneezing and gagging. EMT and Biohazard units were sent in.

Zevo hussein Calamari has been spotted dining with her cohorts in Italy last evening.

Miss Calamari released a statement this morning " Ciao Bella! What wolf? What earrings? George, please pour us another glass of the please."

DOMESTIC TERRORIST SOCIALIST RUNS FOR MAYOR OF SALEM

FOX NEWS .....FAIR AND BALANCED
BREAKING NEWS

This just in from Salem MA! The celebrity cat known as Zevo Hussein Calamari has announced she will run for mayor of Salem tomorrow against Mayor Kimberly Driscoll. Driscoll is running unopposed and Miss Calamari will only win if enough voters write her in on the ballot. Mayor Driscoll and Miss Calamari have had several run ins in the past. (too numerous to name!)

Zevo Hussein Calamari and her cohorts Miss Boo and Miss Lucy Fur are the liberal founders of the domestic terrorist organization known as the Pooses for Peace. This so called peaceful operation has legions of Bite & Run brigades who have bit several right wing politicians, celebrities who wear fur and political pundints in the past. Among those who have been bit are Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, Lindsey Lohan, P.Diddy, most of the Bush administration as well as Sarah Palin. The list of those attacked is too long for our FOX news crew to remember.

The cats also own several businesses that bring revenue into the city of Salem as well as San Diego where Miss Calamari was born. Unconfirmed sources believe they own Brothel Calamari, Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari and will be opening an all you can eat spaghetti bar soon. They are also devout Pastafarians, heathens who worship the deity know as The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

It is our belief that these terrorist cats are working undercover for the Obama administration. They were part of the grass roots organization to help get him elected. They are also friends with several liberal Hollywood stars such as Oprah, George Clooney, Jon Stewart and David Letterman. The cats were also very close to the late Ted Kennedy who bailed them out of Gitmo a few years ago for partying with Fidel Castro.

We at FOX News will keep you posted as the situation develops.

Next up.... Sarah Palin takes on socialist cats in America!

Jimmy Buffett Stranded in Salem....Again!

Unconfirmed sources report that Jimmy Buffett is snowed in..again... at the Casino Calamari in Salem, MA. Due to the mandatory No Parking Don't Even Think About Parking Ever Snow ban, his tour bus was forced to park in the Salem Ferry Lot, which has not seen a snow plow in days. ( It seems that every time Mr Buffett visits the Casino Calamari he gets stranded there.) Odd coincidence....

Mayor Kim Driscoll is not happy that the Salem Police have been called in..again.. due to the loud singing and noise coming from the Casino on Christmas night. A birthday party honoring Mr Buffett was given by his close friends, The Pooses for Peace.

The celebrity cats have been nothing but a thorn in her side since she became the mayor of Salem. (Unconfirmed sources say the Mayor is miffed she was not invited to the party due to her poor fashion sense and her refusal to wear a coconut bra with the mandatory parrot head grass skirt instead of her black suit.)

Cats wearing coconut bras, grass skirts and leis invited the police to join the party. Several of the cats had parrots perched on their tiaras. Mayor Kimberly Driscoll denies all reports of Salem Police drinking margaritas and sporting grass skirts. (The mayor is concerned that the Salem Police have already had enough bad press due to the You-Tube incident that happened near Halloween.)

At this time the music and noise continues at the Casino Calamari. Un-manned police cars are still parked outside the Casino. The neighbors who filed the complaint have since been seen wearing orchid leis over their parkas, while drinking margaritas and dancing in the snow,