Salem Welcomes the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Associated Press

Salem MA

Salem residents woke up to a visit from the Flying Spaghetti Monster this morning. The infamous domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace unveiled the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster along with its restaurant The Holy Spaghetti Factory and its famed Volcanic Beer Bar. A pirate themed boutique along with free underground parking for patrons is also one of the luxuries of this latest establishment.

Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefers joined the celebrity cats in the Grand Opening of the Volcanic Beer Bar.

The cats are devout Pastafarians who believe in the deity the Flying Spaghetti Monster . Pastafarians dress as pirates on Holy Days and quote from the Gospel of the Holy Spaghetti Monster. Friday is a Holy Day.

Because the celebrity cats have the business listed as a nonprofit religious organization there will be no tax on the meals, drinks, nor will they be paying any taxes to the city of Salem.

The cats have been a thorn in the mayor of Salem's side ever since she was elected. .. and the last election results are still being questioned by

Zevo hussein Calamari who claims she won.

The cats have been blamed on several occasions for crimes such as stealing the tall ship known as the Friendship . It is rumored that the cats also own several other businesses in Salem such as the Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari and a so called Brothel Calamari

Not to be undone by her nemisis, Salem Mayor Kimberley Driscoll had a Spaghetti dinner in her honor at the Moose Lodge today. As advertised on facebook- anyone who showed up and mentioned they saw it on the social networking site could eat for free. Unconfirmed authorities are not sure how hundreds of homeless vagrants showed up for the feast.

Driscoll, fearing the cats would attempt another Bite and Run wore ankle and knee guards under her predictable black suit. Although she will not admit it- Kimberley Driscoll was touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the Haunted Happenings Parade this past October. Click here if you don't remember that!

Extra security was called in as well, however no cats were seen at the Mayor's Spaghetti dinner. However the Mayor reports that her iphone and earrings are once again missing and blames the cats. "Those cats are a menace to Salem. I cannot tell you how many iPhones and earrings i have lost due to them. I will fight to charge tax on their meals and beverages. How dare they put an underground parking facility in without my permission. Now I will have to hire a consultant, lay off more teachers and firemen and raise taxes. Why is there red sauce on my suit and oh my gawd....what is that smell? Anyone have a can of Frebreeze? ack. .. ack...."

Spokes-poose Zevo Calamari issued a statment: " Salem residents.... May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his Noodly Goodness! RAmen!"

Pooses for Peace to Buy Salem Church

SALEM — The former St. Mary's Italian Church is for sale.

The executive director of the Salem Mission, now known as Lifebridge, made the surprise announcement yesterday, saying the nonprofit organization has hired commercial real estate appraisers to set a price on the 1925 church building. The property will go on the market "as soon as we determine a value," Cote said.

Unconfirmed sources report that the infamous group of cats known as the Pooses for Peace have already made an offer and are in negotiations to buy the church. The members of the so called liberal domestic terrorist organization are devout Pastafarians, (followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster ). The celebrity cats plan to refurbish the building into the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Rumors are also flying that the cats intend to also add a restaurant adjacent to the building and call it The Holy Spaghetti Factory. The facility will include underground parking for its patrons, a beer volcano and a pirate theme boutique.

This is not the first appearance of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Salem. Unconfirmed sources say that the FSM appeared at the Haunted Happenings parade last October causing chaos in the small city. click here if you forgot!

Mayor Kimberley Driscoll is opposed to her nemesis's plan. She released the following statement: "We will need to hire a consultant and hold meetings to discuss the impact of this. That could take years and several thousands of dollars. Then we will have to lay off more teachers and firemen. Those cats are a menace to society. The city of Salem has had enough of this Flying Pasta nonsense ........ could you have my secretary make a reservation at Bella Verona for tonight? I lost my iPhone again."

Spokes-poose, Zevo Hussein Calamari issued a statement this morning as well: "For all those concerned about where the homeless shelter will be placed, we have decided to use City Hall since nobody ever seems to be there anyway. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch the city of Salem with his Noodly goodness. RAmen! ... does this iPhone make me look fat? ..........."

Zevo Calamari Demands Recount!

Associated Press
Salem MA

Zevo hussein Calamari the write in candidate running for Mayor of Salem is demanding a recount of yesterday's vote.
According to Miss Calamari thousands of cats, dogs and skunks came out to vote and were turned away at the polls.

"This is exactly the same thing that happened to presidential candidate Cheysuli . This is discrimination. We are being treated like...like.. animals! The nerve. Oh do i look fat holding this blackberry? Pass me some of that tequila please. "

In other Salem news, Mayor Kimberley Driscoll and her $20,000 raise held a victory party at the Hawthorne Hotel. Extra security was posted around the premises to protect the mayor and her black suit from another Bite & Run attack. Unconfirmed sources claim the mayor wore ankle and knee guards under her suit. Her new blackberry is reported missing.

To Run or Not to Run

Associated Press
Salem MA

Unconfirmed sources believe that Zevo hussein Calamari may be the write in choice for Mayor of Salem this election day. Right now the current mayor, Kimberley Driscoll is running unopposed. The Mayor and the Pooses for Peace have a long history of conflict.

Zevo Calamari is one of the owners of the Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari, Holy Spaghetti House of Salem, Brothel Calamari um Calamari Spa and the Calamari Institute of Professional Biting. Her cohorts the Pooses for Peace have contributed to the revenue of Salem by attracting celebrities and fans.

In a statement given at the Pooses for Peace Witch Ball Zevo Calamari promised the following,
" If elected mayor of Salem i promise the following:
* I will not even think about wearing a black suit unless it is Versace and is accessorized with strappy Jimmy Choos or Manolos.
* I promise free valet parking for all residents of Salem who do not have driveways.
* I will not take the $20,000 raise nor will i ask for a salary.
* All laid off teachers will be rehired. All teachers and firemen will receive a raise.
* NO more tacky carnivals in Salem! Fiesta Shows can set up in Lynn.
* As mayor i will wear a costume at the Haunted Happenings Parade and everyday in October.
* No more tacky fireworks on Halloween night.
* I will replace the trees that were cut down in front of Tavern in the Square aka TITS.
* Scales will be placed in front of all Dunkin Donuts and ice cream parlors.
* The Salem Power Plant will be closed and replaced with a solar power station.
* Tourists who dare to park in the Resident Only Parking zones will be towed, fined and their cars will be donated to charity.
* Those who litter will be chained to trash trucks for a week and forced to pick up trash for free.
* The city of Salem will employ the homeless by giving them paint guns and water balloons. They will be trained to shoot the paint guns at all those who go through the four way stop without following 4 way stop sign ruleson New Congress & Derby Street. Police will be required to ticket all those with paint on their cars.
The homeless will also be posted at every cross-walk and will be paint gunning those who do not stop for pedestrians.
* City Hall will be the new home for the homeless shelter. Since it seems to always be closed there should be no conflict having the homeless sleep there.
* Every restaurant will be required to give free chicken, tuna and tequila shots to all cats."

DOMESTIC TERRORIST SOCIALIST RUNS FOR MAYOR OF SALEM

FOX NEWS .....FAIR AND BALANCED
BREAKING NEWS

This just in from Salem MA! The celebrity cat known as Zevo Hussein Calamari has announced she will run for mayor of Salem tomorrow against Mayor Kimberly Driscoll. Driscoll is running unopposed and Miss Calamari will only win if enough voters write her in on the ballot. Mayor Driscoll and Miss Calamari have had several run ins in the past. (too numerous to name!)

Zevo Hussein Calamari and her cohorts Miss Boo and Miss Lucy Fur are the liberal founders of the domestic terrorist organization known as the Pooses for Peace. This so called peaceful operation has legions of Bite & Run brigades who have bit several right wing politicians, celebrities who wear fur and political pundints in the past. Among those who have been bit are Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, Lindsey Lohan, P.Diddy, most of the Bush administration as well as Sarah Palin. The list of those attacked is too long for our FOX news crew to remember.

The cats also own several businesses that bring revenue into the city of Salem as well as San Diego where Miss Calamari was born. Unconfirmed sources believe they own Brothel Calamari, Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari and will be opening an all you can eat spaghetti bar soon. They are also devout Pastafarians, heathens who worship the deity know as The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

It is our belief that these terrorist cats are working undercover for the Obama administration. They were part of the grass roots organization to help get him elected. They are also friends with several liberal Hollywood stars such as Oprah, George Clooney, Jon Stewart and David Letterman. The cats were also very close to the late Ted Kennedy who bailed them out of Gitmo a few years ago for partying with Fidel Castro.

We at FOX News will keep you posted as the situation develops.

Next up.... Sarah Palin takes on socialist cats in America!

Salem Mayor Driscoll Calls Emergency Meeting

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Associated Press
Salem MA

An emergency meeting of the Salem City Council has been called to discuss the possibility that Salem has been invaded by aliens.

Last night at the Haunted Happenings parade, the deity known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared over the parade, mostly hovering over Captain Jack Sparrow and the infamous Pooses for Peace. The crowds watching the parade, thought it was part of the Pooses for Peace display as most were dressed as pirates, (Pastafarians dress as pirates on all Holy Days and parades!)

Mayor Driscoll fainted when the FSM flew above her, touching her with one of his Noodly Appendages and staining her black suit with red pasta sauce. Her earrings and blackberry are still missing.
The Mayor issued a statement " Citizens of Salem... Do not panic! We will protect you and your families from this alien. I blame those wretched celebrity cats who conjured up this monster to appear at our family oriented parade. I also blame them for stealing my blackberry and earrings. Justice will be served."

The FBI, CIA and NASA have been called in to attend this emergency meeting, Cafe Verona has been requested to cater this meeting, by the mayor who has been craving pasta since last night's parade.

Pooses for Peace spokes-poose Zevo Calamari issued a statement this morning "Aarrrrrhhhh oh my poor head...passs me some ginger ale and asprin. Do you think a plate of pasta would absorb a hang over? Hmmm some cool phone numbers in this blackberry. Too bad it is covered in pasta sauce. RAmen. May you be touched by His Noodly Goodness. "

Bill O'Reilly Victim of a Pastafarian Attack

FOX NEWS ALERT

During Bill O'Reilly 's latest commentary on the War on Christmas a horde of cats dressed like pirates sprung from behind his desk and attacked him screaming Hail to the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Fox News immediately cut to a commercial.

Mr. O' Reilly is in stable condition at an undisclosed location. Unconfirmed sources report he suffered major bites and scratches on his head, nose, mouth, knees and ankles. He was given large doses of antihistamines since he is severely allergic to cats, (and a cat hater). His blackberry and watch were lost in the scuffle.

This past week Bill O'Reilly had blamed the members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and those who celebrated Festivus, as the cause of the recession and the reason people are no longer saying Merry Christmas. In one segment of his War on Christmas he kept referring to the members of the church as those "spaghetti people".

Authorities believe it was the infamous "Pooses for Peace Bite & Run Brigade" responsible for the attack. Several members of the Pooses for Peace are devotees of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), which are known as pastafarians.
According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Thus wearing full pirate regalia is mandatory during a Pastafarian event...or in this instance, an attack.


This morning Zevo Calamari was ambushed by the local FOX NEWS reporter who screamed.. "ZEVO CALAMARI.. you just bit Bill O'Reilly. What are you going to do now?" Miss Calamarii replied " I'm going to Disneyland! Shiver me timbers! ack bleeeeyuckkkoooo give me a hit of rum, yo ho yo ho it's a pirates life for me! Hail to the FLying Spaghetti Monster and May you be touched by his Noodly Appendage. RAmen"