Pooses for Peace Stowaways on Friendship Bound to NY?

Associate Press
Salem MA

BREAKING NEWS...DOMESTIC TERRORIST CATS BELIEVED TO BE STOWAWAYS ON THE TALL SHIP FRIENDSHIP BOUND FOR NYC

The domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace are believed to be stowaways on the tall ship known as the Friendship this evening. It's destination is NYC where the famed cat burglars may be planning one more heist at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.



Mayor Kimberly Driscoll attended the ceremony in her predictable ill fitting black suit. Being caught off guard she was not wearing ankle (or shall we say cankle) or knee guards and is said to be nursing an ankle bite by a mysterious cat wearing a tiara that ran onto the ship. Other cats wearing tiaras, pirate hats and a dog wearing a Che Guevara beret were also spotted running up the ramp unto the shp.

The mayor is in stable condition. Her suit however is covered in grey fur and has several tears. No witnesses were available to identify the so called cat. The mayor has lost credibility with many of the locals of Salem except for the ones who unfortunately drank the dreaded Driscoll- laced coffee served at the Chamber of Commerce meetings.

Unconfirmed sources report that the celebrity cats have been laying low for several months planning for this opportunity. The cats are said to be moving their Bite & Run headquarters out of Salem MA soon to an undisclosed area in the Baltimore/DC area. It is said the cats are tired of the shenanigans happening in Congress and on Capitol Hill and plan to have a presence in when congress returns from their vacation. And they are totally bored with the petty small politics of Salem.



Captain Jack Sparrow, friend and accomplis to the celebrity cats was seen walking through Salem yesterday at the Maritime festival. Authorities believe he is also aboard the Friendship this evening. Homeland security and the FBI have been alerted.

Zevo hussein Calamari, spokespoose for the renegade operation issued a press statement from what appeared to be a bunk in a ship: " It was like totally so cool that everyone was waving white hankies today. Kimmie who? I have a foul taste of politiican in my mouth. Please pass that rum, Jack. Thanks hon."

Boston Tea Party Bite & Run Attack

BREAKING NEWS

Boston MA..............Home of the Original Tea Party!

Former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and wolf murderer criticized the Obama administration and the liberal Snootie pants Congress today at a Tea Party rally on Boston Common, saying the government had been on a "spending spree" and warning of future tax increases.

During Palin's 21-minute you betcha ramblings about the facist, marxist take over by the communist liberals and their muslim leader President Obama, patriotic music played in the background. SUVs with yellow Support our Troops magnets surrounded the area. Flag pins were worn by all in a sea of those wearing red, white and blue.

As Palin was giving her final remarks, a horde of cats, dogs, skunks and possibly a wolf dressed in pirate regalia jumped on stage and into the crowd. Palin was heard screaming as far as the North End of Boston. "What the F*@K? Get off me you varmits. AHhhhhhhhh OUCH that hurts.. you betcha... TODD where the hell ar' ya?
AAAAAAAAAAAchoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....Oh Lordy is that a wolf there yonder? Where the hell is my rifle?????? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Boston Police rushed to the scene but were not able to capture any of the so called perpetrators. Palin and several of her Tea Party devotees were rushed to a nearby hospital for bites, cuts, scratches and alleries. All are in stable condition but a few cats wearing nurses uniforms were seen running off with the patients' pain medication. Several of those at the rally have made reports about missing watches, iPhones and credit cards. Sarah Palin's glasses are also reported missing.

Authorities believe this is the work of the infamous liberal domestic terrorist known as the Pooses for Peace. Their headquarters are north of Boston in Salem, MA.

It is not the first time the cats and Sarah Palin have violent encounters. The cats have been accused of attacking Palin a few times while she was on the campaign with John McCain. The Pooses for Peace are also involved in protecting the wolves and keeping Palin off the Discovery Channel. (The cats also have an on going feud with Mayor Kim Driscoll of Salem.)

As of this time the Boston PD has not named the celebrity cats as suspects. Interpol claims that the cats are still in Paris, France celebrating Zevo hussein Calamari's birthday today at a party in the Louvre Museum.

There is speculation the cats involved in today's event could have been those who did not attend the party - or perhaps even a fringe group hired by the Pooses for Peace. Several people attending the event also claim to have seen a wolf roaming through the Boston Commons, however police believe it was possibly just a lost husky.

In other Boston and local news the wolf known as Osa a resident of the Ipswich Wolf Hollow reserve has been reported missing since this morning.

To Run or Not to Run

Associated Press
Salem MA

Unconfirmed sources believe that Zevo hussein Calamari may be the write in choice for Mayor of Salem this election day. Right now the current mayor, Kimberley Driscoll is running unopposed. The Mayor and the Pooses for Peace have a long history of conflict.

Zevo Calamari is one of the owners of the Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari, Holy Spaghetti House of Salem, Brothel Calamari um Calamari Spa and the Calamari Institute of Professional Biting. Her cohorts the Pooses for Peace have contributed to the revenue of Salem by attracting celebrities and fans.

In a statement given at the Pooses for Peace Witch Ball Zevo Calamari promised the following,
" If elected mayor of Salem i promise the following:
* I will not even think about wearing a black suit unless it is Versace and is accessorized with strappy Jimmy Choos or Manolos.
* I promise free valet parking for all residents of Salem who do not have driveways.
* I will not take the $20,000 raise nor will i ask for a salary.
* All laid off teachers will be rehired. All teachers and firemen will receive a raise.
* NO more tacky carnivals in Salem! Fiesta Shows can set up in Lynn.
* As mayor i will wear a costume at the Haunted Happenings Parade and everyday in October.
* No more tacky fireworks on Halloween night.
* I will replace the trees that were cut down in front of Tavern in the Square aka TITS.
* Scales will be placed in front of all Dunkin Donuts and ice cream parlors.
* The Salem Power Plant will be closed and replaced with a solar power station.
* Tourists who dare to park in the Resident Only Parking zones will be towed, fined and their cars will be donated to charity.
* Those who litter will be chained to trash trucks for a week and forced to pick up trash for free.
* The city of Salem will employ the homeless by giving them paint guns and water balloons. They will be trained to shoot the paint guns at all those who go through the four way stop without following 4 way stop sign ruleson New Congress & Derby Street. Police will be required to ticket all those with paint on their cars.
The homeless will also be posted at every cross-walk and will be paint gunning those who do not stop for pedestrians.
* City Hall will be the new home for the homeless shelter. Since it seems to always be closed there should be no conflict having the homeless sleep there.
* Every restaurant will be required to give free chicken, tuna and tequila shots to all cats."