WHERE ARE MY BLOODY GLASSES?

Associated Press
Salem MA

Salem police were called to quell the noise at the Casino Calamari last night. The Pooses for Peace held their annual St Patty's O'Poose Party. U2 and Bono were guests and played until police arrived at 3:00am.

Salem mayor Kimberly Driscoll and her signature black suit attempted to make a guest appearance at 7:00pm but was stopped at the door by bouncer Nubi wan Kenobi for not wearing green. Unconfirmed sources report that Driscoll screamed "Those wretched cats will be sorry for this!" before stormeing off. She lost a watch and earrings on the way out along with her iPhone and the official City of Salem blackberry.

Hung-over cats were seen all over Salem this morning. There was line of cats ordering Bloody Mary's at In a Pigs Eye and lines of cats at the Witch's Brew as well. Local merchants are thankful the cat have been boosting their business during this so called recession.

In other news, Bono has lost his sunglasses. He lost them the last time he played at Casino Calamari. Zevo Calamari issued a statement" We appreciate Bono and U2 playing such wonderful music last night. Thank you so much. What glasses?"