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Bonnie Raitt visits Salem, MA

Entertainment Tonight

Bonnie Raitt was spotted dining with celebrity pooses Miss Boo and Boudreaux the Magi at FINZ last evening. Rumors are flying that Miss Raitt will be performing with Springsteen and the E Street band tonight at the grand opening of Salem's Hamburger Mary's.

Other celebrities have been sighted wandering through the streets of Salem as well. Miss Lucy Fur escorted Oprah and her gal pal Gail to buy magic oils at Laurie Cabot's Witch store.

Meanwhile Miss Zevo Calamari joined friends Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Audrey Tautou and Jean Reno at the Hawthorne Hotel's bar for a round of Pastis.

Baltimore Celebrity pooses, Tao and Sarge were seen with John Waters at the Pirate Museum.

The mayor of Salem is concerned that the influx of celebrities and pooses in Salem will burden the small police force on New Year's Eve. Extra police have been brought in from Boston and surrounding areas for tonight's event.

Poose-cam live from Salem brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop


Paparazzi invade Salem

Salem, MA

Hordes of paparazzi swarmed into Salem today to catch a glimpse of celebrities who will be attending tomorrow night's Hamburger Mary's New Year's Eve Gala.

Unconfirmed sources spotted George Clooney and Renee Zellweger dining with Johnny Depp at Salem's local eatery, In A Pig's Eye. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek were seen shopping at one of the local witch shops buying brooms and herbs. Donatella Versace arrived with a truck filled with clothing and shoes for the attendees.

The mayor of Salem has added extra police on duty for the weekend. She has warned locals to once again lock up all valuables since there will be an influx of pooses attending the Gala.The mayor has not announced if she will attend the gala.

Poose-cam live from Salem brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop


Versace for All

I miei gatti dolci,
I bring-a da clothes for all-a you for da party... I make-a you look-a very very si!
Il mio amico, Signore Manolo will bring-a da shoes for all-a you....Quello è buono, no?
Dove è il mio expresso?
ciao ciao,


Magi comes to Salem

I have invited a special guest to the Hamburger Mary's Gala. His name is Boudreaux and he is a Magi. This picture is proof. He will be doing astrology readings for celebrities. He was the Magi who predicted the birth of the komodo dragons to a virgin dragon on St Stephen's Day.

Boudreaux has special psychic abilities, speaks 4 languages ( one of them being the very difficult Giant Pink Snail language) and is also a great dancer. He is bringing his pet human, Padre Don who is also psychic, speaks several languages and also dances.

Hoping Donatella brings extra clothing for all of us....
ciao for now,

countdown to the grand opening

There is still so much to do and so little time. Rachel Ray and Wolfgang Puck have come up with a divine menu for the gala. Bruce has promised that there will be a surprise guest singing along with him and the band. So many celebrities have sent RSVPs.

The real question is ...what will we wear? We invited Donatella.....maybe she will bring some a few extra gowns with her.

The phone is ringing,
ciao ciao

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5 days and counting

So much to do before the grand opening this weekend of Hamburger Mary's in Salem. I have been on the phone all day with Lucy Fur and Zevo trying to coordinate entertainment and last minute details. Of course our biggest concern is... what should we wear?
So much Versace... so little time,

ciao for now,


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Christmas at the Louvre

Madonna and Zevo
Leonardo da Vinci

Joyeux Noël
from Planet Calamari Shop

happy birthday jimmy buffett!

When people ask me if i know whose birthday it is on December 25th..... i say of course.. it is Jimmy Buffett's... tis a good reason to spread love, joy and have a margarita.

On behalf of all pooses, especially the dolphins and manatee we wish Jimmy Buffett a happy birthday and thank him for all he has done to save endangered pooses everywhere!

Join us at the Casino Calamari for an all you can eat Navidad Nacho feast with Yuletime Margaritas!

Finz Up!
Proud to be a Parrothead
zevo calamari


P Diddy Banned from Hamburger Mary's

Save the Raccoon Dog!

The "faux" fur on Sean "Diddy" Comb's coats sold in the United States wasn't faux at all -- it was from Asia's "raccoon dog". May the fleas of the raccoon dog plague Mr Diddy.

Zevo Calamari, spokes-poose for the Save the Raccoon Dog
Foundation has banned P.Diddy and his entourage from ever visiting the new Hamburger Mary's which is set to open in one week. Miss Calamari recommends that Mr Diddy should change his name (again) to Dead Doggie Didddy. She also recommended that he carry his own umbrella.

Also banned from the premises are Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Britany Spears, Christina Ricci, Kate Moss and all other fur wearing stick insects (as well as all fur wearing regular folk!)

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happy festivus

A Festivus for the Rest of Us!

Happy Festivus. We put the pole up. It looks great. I am waiting for my turn to wrestle with my pet human in the feats of strength contest. Meanwhile here is my list of grievances:

1. I hate when my pet human makes me wear stupid head-gear... like this one.
2. I do not think it is fair that Zevo has a way cooler Vespa than i do.
3. And it is so unfair she gets her way all the time and gets to have more fun.
4. I am not happy with the way the chimp in the White House is running the country.
5. I do not like the new cat crunchies my pet human bought. I do not care if they are organic.
6. I am disappointed in the ending of the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
7. I think it is unfair that i am not allowed on the balcony without supervision.
8. I do not like waiting to eat so that Zevo can eat first.
9. I do not like my pet human leaving so much. She should stay home and take naps with me...only me.
10. I am very unhappy that we no longer have cable tv. I miss David Letterman and The Daily Show.

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Festivus Eve

Whew...what a party last night. I am still hungover. The parade was awesome. Miss Lucy Fur is a hero and we had free drinks all night at Mo's thanks to her!

I am going to soak up this California sun one more day and then Zevo and i are on the red-eye tonight back to Salem so we can celebrate Festivus tomorrow. I have challenged her to the feats of strength ...and wait until my pet humans hear my list of grievances!

Someone bring some asprin please,


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Poose Pride Solstice Parade

You are invited to a solstice celebration in the streets of Hillcrest tonight.

Honored guest Miss Lucy Fur will be arriving home from Switzerland, just in time to lead the Poose Pride Parade on her new Harley along with the Dikes on Bikes.

A Miss Zevo Calamari, Miss Boo and Nubi Wan Kenobi will also be riding along on their vespas. It is rumored that Barney Bush requested his own float to ride in the parade but was refused until he comes out of the closet.

Dancing and drinks will be at Mo's after the parade.

Poose-cam live from Hillcrest brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop


Trump forgives the Miss Poose USA Gals

Entertainment Tonight

The Donald has forgiven Miss Poose USA West and Miss Poose USA East despite reports of drinking, failed cat nip tests and other acts of misconduct. A spokesperson for the Miss USA pooses said that these pooses are innocent and were once substitutes for the famed celebrity cats known as Zevo Calamari and a Miss Boo. This was a case of mistaken identity.

Miss Poose USA West and Miss Poose USA East will be able to keep their tiaras and titles if they behave.

Poose-cam live from Trump Towers brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop


Barney Bush accused of biting Rummy


Barney Bush will hold a press conference today at noon EST to explain the allegations that he was the one who bit Donald Rumsfeld (the second biting).

Miss Lucy Fur was cleared of all charges after her lawyer showed that she was shopping at Tiffanys with Oprah the day of the second biting. Tiffany's provided the security video as proof.

Miss Lucy is still in Switzerland opening a chocolate mouse candy factory with the help of Wolfgang Puck. She will be returning to the US before the holidays.

A civilian has volunteered footage shot on his video camera of Barney Bush in drag biting Mr Rumsfeld to the FBI. George Bush has denied that Barney dresses in drag and claims that Rummy and Barney have a wonderful friendship.

Poose-cam live from the White House brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop


Poose-gram from the Alps

Hello Girls,

Well, I'm ready to ditch the Alps and come home. I think I've lost the Goons for now. That wretched Barney Bush really did it this time.

I did have a few spa treatments here in Switzerland and have been doing chocolate tastings for the restaurant, of course. The mocha covered mice are particularly delicious!

I have also been picking up a few stocking stuffers for you over here and can't wait to get home to celebrate the holidays.

See you soon,

Lucy Fur

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Still life with Mouse

I finally have finished the series of paintings that Zevo commissioned me to do for the dining area of the new Hamburger Marys. I am exhausted. The pieces are magnificent and I am sure they will be put in the Louvre someday.

Today I am looking forward to a nice nap in the sun and a few mouse crepes. I do hope my pet human bought a bottle of wine at Trader Joes for me.

I wondering how Lucy Fur is doing in Switzerland. I am scared to call her.... homeland security has been all over Zevo and I lately.... what a drag.

ciao ciao

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Holiday Greetings from Barney Bush

Happy Sunday.. with all the drama happening lately with our friend Lucy and with the extra work we have all been doing for the new Hamburger Marys..... I thought we could take a break from it all today and enjoy a nice video today. This is a great clip from The Daily Show, courtesy of Crooks and Liars. one of my most favorite blogs for news.

click here to watch this clip

Happy Sunday,

Nubi Wan Kenobi & the blog jedi masters of planet calamari

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Rachel Ray Celebrates!

It's official! Rachel Ray has won the Chef-off contest to be the Queen of the Kitchen in the new Hamburger Marys of Salem. Rachel has asked Wolfgang Puck to assist her in making deserts and wants him to also help with the grand opening gala.

Rumor is that U2 and the Stones are playing that night. Spokes-poose, Miss Zevo Calamari will not confirm or deny the rumor. However she has hinted that a certain friend of hers from New Jersey will be playing along with the E Street Band at midnight New Years Eve. Madonna is not expected to show at the Gala since she is busy adopting another poose-baby.

Poose-cam live from Salem brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop and Wolfgang Puck frozen pizza.

Anderson Cooper Live from Switzerland

Tonight on Anderson Cooper

Celebrity Cat, Miss Lucy Fur has fled to Switzerland with the help of her friend Wolfgang Puck. Miss Fur is a suspect in the biting of Donald Rumsfeld during yesterdays ceremony.

Miss Fur claims she has been framed by Mr Barney Bush, dog of W, who was in drag, and also wearing a cat costume with a tiara. According to poose informants, Barney is said to have been quite put out that Rumsfeld called him a mangey mutt and kicked him when W was napping.

Wolfgang Puck has hired the best lawyers to have Lucy cleared by the opening of the Hamburger Mary's in Salem on New Years Eve. There has been no comment from the White House about Barney Bush.

Meanwhile Rachel Ray has won the chef-off but has agreed to work along side Mr Puck at the new restuarant in order to keep everyone happy.

This CNN report has been brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop and Tiaras R Us.


News Flash....Rumsfeld bit.... again

President Bush, right, and outgoing Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld (giving the Hail Hitler salute) took part in an Armed Forces Full Honor Review in Honor of Rumsfeld, Friday, Dec. 15, 2006, at the Pentagon.

During President Bush's speech, Mr. Rumsfeld was heard yelling "What the #$&*" and began chasing a cat wearing an emerald tiara. Unconfirmed sources claim that Rumsfelf was once again bit by a Miss Lucy Fur.

Rumors flying around say that Miss Lucy is on a rampage since her favorite chef Wolfgang Puck is losing the Chef-off contest for the new Hamburger Mary's in Salem. She felt this was the best way to let off some steam.

It was later reported that Mr. Rumsfeld was flown into Camp David for stitches and was given pain killers. No word on the where abouts of Miss Lucy Fur have been reported.

Poose-cam live from Washington DC brought to you by The Planet Calamari Shop and Johnson & Johnson Bandages.

Rachel Ray takes the lead

Yummmm-Oh! Life is so good. I am so happy today... so far I am winning the Chef-off contest. I would like to thank everyone who has voted for me so far.
Don't forget you too can cook a wonderful meal in less than 30 minutes.....stay tuned...........



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Wolfgang Commands

Stimme für mich, beherrsche ich sie. Ich bin das beste.

Translation: Vote for me, I command it. I am the best.

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Martha promises tuna cake for all.....

Oh dearest Pooses,

Please do not forget how kind I was to the cats and rats in jail while I was there..... I implore you to vote for me.

I will even put you ono the cover of my magazine if I win.



p.s. How does Tuna cake sound?

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Pick the Hamburger Mary's Chef Contest!

If you see two pictures... sorry.... has been drunk for the past week...

Who should be the new king or queen of the kitchen at the new Hamburger Mary's in Salem? Cast your vote now by posting a comment. The winning chef will (must!) be picked in the next week.

We are all still mourning the loss of the Hamburger Mary's of Hillcrest. Boo and i have such fond memories of dancing on table tops and doing shooters there. Thanks to all our friends with money and Lucy Fur's influence, we are now able to re-open a Hamburger Mary's in Salem. ....hoping to make Salem the Hillcrest of Boston. (They could so use a decent pride parade here and a few decent hairdressers!)

Hurry cast your vote now... tell your friends. Please don't forget to join us this New Year's Eve at the gala opening. Tickets are on sale now at Casino Calamari.

See you there,

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Lucy Fur oversees construction

Salem, MA
More construction crews arrived today in Salem as the rush is on to finish the new Hamburger Mary's before New Years Eve. Investors such as Donald Trump, Oprah, and Robert Dinero have been seen dining at In a Pig's Eye, Salem's quaint neighborhood pub.

Several rumors of famous chefs fighting over bids to plan the menu have been circulating. Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Lagasse and Martha Stewart are some of the known contenders. No decision has been made yet.

Poose-cam live from Salem brought to you by Planet Calamari


Palm trees appear in Salem MA

Salem, MA
Palm trees appeared mysteriously overnight in Salem, MA at the old site of Roosevelts Bar & Grill. Massive construction crews have been seen working feverishly on the building, rumored to soon be the new Hamburger Marys. Every effort to make it appear as it once did in Hillcrest, San Diego is being taken.

Unconfirmed sources have seen Oprah walking around the construction site with a Miss LucyFur yelling at the crew. Zevo Calamari and Boo have called in their friends the Fab 5 as well as Donatella Versace for advice on decorating and menu tips.

The mayor of Salem has assured the city council that all permits and licenses have been approved for the opening. She has promised the city that this will bring in added revenue to Salem and more jobs for residents. An undisclosed source claims that more police have been added to the force and extra space in the jail has just been built.

Poose-cam live in Salem brought to you by Planet Calamari

the wrath of zevo..........

I have decided to hide in this bag until Zevo's blog is working correctly... she is in such a foul mood today because of all the confusion. I think it is a compliment that she is being confused with the Mona Lisa.

oops....look she comes...........take cover
nubi wan kenobi

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univiting the boys

We are experiencing major technical difficulties with this blog. After switching to the new beta-version ( which was suggested by all blogs that are linked to planet calamari have merged into one account and my profile info and pictures are in cyberspace. Needless to say my pet human is in a tizzy.
WARNING!!!!!!For all of you with blogs... DON'T SWITCH if you have more than one blog.

Until this is remedied please excuse all bizarro graphics and information on the profile...which i believe has me down as the Mona Lisa.

Oh... and all you boys... you can stay home until this is fixed!
No party.

Visit Planet Calamari at least that website is working!

and now a word from our sponsor...

Wondering how to decorate your tree this year? Poose paw ornaments!
Help Zevo buy a new Versace gown for the New Years Eve Gala by shopping at Planet Calamari.

click here to see this design on clothing, ornaments and other fun holiday gifts

p.s. Everyone who works at is welcome to come to the party....even though we had to change the blog to a beta form to get it to work!

Help us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The boys at were here partying at the Casino Calamari until very late last night
(well really very early this morning!).... now for some reason we are unable to upload any pictures on this blog. What an inconvience. I had to cancel my manicure today to attend to this matter.

I am sure that they all have hangovers today and are unable to think clearly. So boys, take some asprin with some ginger ale and call me.
If anyone from can help us fix this, we will give you a free pass to the New Year's Eve Gala Grand Opening of Hamburger Mary's. If you think you have a hangover now....just wait until New Year's Day!


p.s Planet Calamari is up and running an not having these problems... so please shop today so i can buy a new Versace gown for the holidays....Visit Planet Calamari


Miss Boo is Back!

It is so nice to be back in San Diego. All the excitement in Salem, plus the cold weather was a bit much. I am looking forward to a nice quiet weekend with my pet human. Maybe a nice homecooked meal and a good bottle of wine. I do hope she buys more of that organic cat nip from WholeFoods.

LucyFur is off again to meet with investors and chefs for the Hamburger Mary's opening soon in Salem. She has such a head for business...... and I have a bod' for sin......................


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still in mourning for max the pig

All pigs go to heaven.

Do to the water damage and smoke, Casino Calamari will be closed for the weekend.
Please continue to wear your black arm bands this weekend in honor of Max Clooney.
thank you,
zevo calamari


Fire at Casino Calamari

Salem, MA
A small fire broke out at the famed Casino Calamari last night. (Casino Calamari is also known as Brothel Calamari in undisclosed circles) A wake for Max the Pig was being held. Unconfirmed sources say the fire was started by a certain celebrity who was smoking a cigar and drinking limoncello.

Madame Zevo Calamari said that there is a no smoking policy however this celebrity was so grief-struck by the loss of his pig she allowed him to smoke.

The fire was contained and there was no damage. The party continued after the smoke was cleared and it is said that a few firemen stayed as well.

Poose-cam live from Salem brought to you by Planet Calamari


Max the pig goes to hog heaven

Pooses all over the world are mourning the loss of Max the Pig, George Clooney's dearest friend. The 300lb animal, which shared the actor's home, and sometimes his bed, for 18 years, died peacefully on Friday of "natural causes.

There will be a small wake in honor of Max tonight at Casino Calamari. Pooses are asked to wear black arm bands.

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Steve gets "small" with pooses

Thanks so much for the invite to the Princess Calamari Birthday Bash. I had a wonderful time getting small with you. You are a bunch of wild and crazy cats!

(Make sure your pet human takes banjo lessons before her next party!)

Visit Planet Calamari a wild and crazy shopping experieince.


the princess calamari birthday bash continues

What a night. It is all a blur.....I hope i did not make a fool of myself in front of Bette Midler. She was so kind to let Boo and Zevo sing back-ups. Tho i am not sure if the Dixie Chicks were thrilled that my pet human was trying to play the banjo with them. Steve Martin was smart enough to step in and take her banjo away and he played instead. Wow...

Someone please bring me some ginger ale and asprin.


Lou Dobbs Reports...

Today on Lou Dobbs
Expose on Illegal Alien Pooses working as substitutes for celebrity cats attending parties. Todays report will go into detail about the illegal cats found in Maryland and California over the weekend covering for pooses who attended a birthday gala in Salem, MA.
Lou's special guests will be the head of the Border Patrol and the Minutemen of California.

This report is not brought to you by Planet Calamari


The Princess Calamari Birthday Bash Continues.........

Woohooo... what a night! I flew in a few unexpected guests for my pet human..... really surprised her. She is still walking around stunned and i am still a bit hung over. Too many shots of sambuca with her cousins!

Oops... someone is at the door.. probably more paparazzi.....
ciao zevo

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Zevo Calamari hosts Birthday Gala

Here is the invite to the surprise birthday gala i am hosting for my pet human. I just hope she doesn't try to play banjo with Steve Martin and the Dixie Chicks. She doesn't own any Versace..... i do hope she wears something other than those jeans she lives in....oh well she is only human! Maybe Bette will let her wear that mermaid outfit.

Please shop at Planet Calamari this party is costing a fortune!