BREAKING NEWS!Unconfirmed sources report that the celebrity feline group known as the Pooses for Peace will be moving their headquarters close to the DC area at the end of this month.
Known as a domestic liberal terrorist group the cats have been laying low for the past year since one of their leaders Miss Boo went into hiding from Homeland Security. Authorities believe she is living on a private island with her lover Captain Jack Sparrow. Their only activities lately seem to be commandeering the tall ship in Salem known as the Friendship and tormenting Mayor Kim Driscoll and her ill fitting black suit whenever possible.
With the 2012 election approaching and the useless members of Congress (greedy bastards and morons on both sides) the cats feel it is necessary to step up Bite & Run activities and play an active role in getting things done.
Moving boxes, vans and limos have been seen frequenting the Casino Calamari this past week located in wee Salem. The cats claimed this territory a self proclaimed country which seceded from the city of Salem and Commonwealth of MA over a dispute during the last mayorial election when Zevo hussein Calamari won over Mayor Kim Driscoll. However the city did not recognize the votes by the animal citizens of Salem and Driscoll declared herself a victorious winner. (Even though the only other candidate was a homeless man who recieved 20% of the votes!)
The citizens of Salem are distraught that the celebrity cats are not only leaving, but will be closing many of their businesses in the area such as the Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari, The Holy Spaghetti Factory, The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, A Costume shop, Ice rink , Tarot & Paw reading place and a few other questionable operations such as the rumored Brothel Calamari.
In the past years celebrities and hordes of cats poured into Salem the first week of October for the Haunted Happenings parade to march along side the celebrity cats. This boosted business for every cafe, bar and restaurant in the area and Salem's economy. Celebrities such as Nicole Kidman, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Oprah, Cher and countless others marched in the parade with the cats and their BFF Captain Jack Sparrow. Later paparazzi and celebrities were seen at local hotspots, shops and having their palms read.
This year there will be no celebrities or Pooses for Peace fans to contribute to the newly raised hotel and restaurant taxes along with the hiked parking rates thus adding more stress to the City of Salem's debt.
The cats were also blamed for the appearance of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the past few parades and the mayor's craving for pasta since... click here if you don't remember!
Mayor Kim Driscoll and her black suit released a statement this morning: "These cats and their cohorts are a menace to society. The city of Salem will survive without the millions of dollars they bring in each year. I have hired a consultant to research the impact of this situation and taxes will only need to be raised a little bit (50%) more to compensate for this loss. We will be putting an Uber Walmart with a Fiesta Show Carnival in the so called wee Salem territory which will attract the type of citizens we really want living here in this maritime tourist destination. And as I have said in the past, I can only hope that it starts to rain around 8:30 pm on Halloween night. These damn witches are a pain in the ....Ouch....... oh MY gawd what is that smell? OOOOOOOOOO my ankles, my new black suit.. aaaaaah...."
2 comments:
Now what kinds of things can we do in the Capital?!
I think that the Pooses will need to modify their strategies in Falls Church. They may well get along with all the military, CIA, government lifer employees that live there. Their humans will like the fact that there is a Trader Joe's and a huge Target in Falls Church right on the Leesburg Turnpike (easy in/out access road) for the Pooses. You all will be missed. Che Nikki
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