Planet Calamari Zazzle shop

2012-08-19

BREAKING NEWS........ DOUBLE BITE & RUN......
ART STOLEN FROM DC MUSEUM.....


BREAKING NEWS................................

THIS JUST IN .... An exclusive report brought to you by FOX NEWS, the fair and balanced news station that everyone (with an IQ of 50 or below believes.)

Unconfirmed sources have reported that Mitt Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan were victims of a Bite and Run attack an hour ago while on the campaign trail. Hordes of cats, a few dogs, a lone wolf and a few skunks  invaded the Romney Campaign bus and bit all on board while chanting "Show us your tax returns!" A dog wearing a Che Guevara beret bit Romney on the buttocks shouting "That was for Seamus. Next time we will strap you to the roof of our bus!

The bus driver survived with the least amount of injuries. He claims that most of the cats were wearing tiaras, some berets, and one was dressed as a Jedi knight complete with cape and light saber.

Screams and sneezes were heard miles away from the attack. A bio-hazard unit was brought in to remove the stench from the bus. Mrs. Romney reports that not only was her designer blouse that cost a mere $10,000 torn, but her watch, earrings and Gucci handbag are now missing. The most horrifying part of it all was that a cat turd was found in her up-do.
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All victims were taken to an undisclosed hospital and are in stable condition. A nurse claims that a cat wearing scrubs and a tiara came into the hospital and switched the pain killer medication with Flintstone vitamins. The nurse and the bus driver are now on medical leave until they pass a psychiatric evaluation.

No comment has been issued by the Romney campaign at this time. Authorities believe this was the work of the infamous liberal domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace run by feline celebrity Zevo hussein Calamari and her cohorts. This dangerous pack of cats have been laying low for quite some time. Speculation was that the cats retired and were living on a remote island with Captain Jack Sparrow while hiding from the CIA, FBI, IRS and Homeland Security. The rebel cats are known for biting political pundits, mostly Republican politicians, stick insect models that wear fur and for sport, the mayor of Salem MA.

No one has seen Mizz Calamari for quite some time. Some believe she roams the streets of Washington DC in disguise conducting her covert activities and planning for more Bite & Runs closer to the election. Others claim she has retired and passed on the reign of power to her bodyguard and Jedi Knight, Sir Nubi wan Kenobi.

In other news....

Earlier today in Washington DC authorities at the National Gallery of Art reported that several Monet paintings were missing when the museum opened. Security cameras seemed to have been taped up with masking tape and cat hair. The FBI has now taken over the crime investigation and refuses to offer any more details until the paintings are discovered.

The Pooses for Peace have released a tape with Zevo Calamari who appears to on a beach. "Mitt Who? Where is the National Art Gallery? Does this Gucci bag make me look fat? Ack ack someone hand me that bottle of Pastis... the taste of stupidity and greed are making me gag, gag.... ack... Oh Capt Jack could you hang that painting in the bedroom please......"

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeanie I am so sad to hear that Zevo has taken a turn for the worse. It must be she is weary from fighting to live each day. Our thoughts are with you all at this time good friend. I know that there are no words to comfort a human at this time when the pet that has shared their heart or a lifetime makes ready to leave.
Thoughts and prayers from us, Maria and Nikki

The Meezers or Billy said...

oh Zevo, are you not well? Oh we are so sorry to hear this. Our prayers are with you. But, please apologize to Ms Romney, I was pooting and i got a little carried away. Please pass the Tequila. - Miles

Smudge said...

Even though I haven't known Zevo as long as the rest of you, we formed an immediate bond when we discovered that we had the same taste in shoes, bags and designer fashion, as well as the same political leanings. She taught me the finer points of bite and run, and I shall carry on her important work as best I can.

Love you, Zeevs!!

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Yo-Zevo--always leave them wanting more- Let's party on until the sun doesn't shine.
Our thoughts to your family and to you--you will be missed

Miss Lucy Fur said...

My Dearest Zevie,

I'm absolutely devastated at the news of your illness. I have dispatched the Queen's Corgis to bring Her Majjesty's personal physician to your bedside. We will have a Margarita chanting circle at Urban Mo's in your honor and to speed loving thoughts your way.

By the way, I loved that bite you took out of Paul Ryan's ass on the campaign trail. He's so smug and I saw the fearin his eyes when he spotted you in the room. Bravo!

Kiss Kiss,

Miss Lucy Fur