BREAKING NEWS........ DOUBLE BITE & RUN...... ART STOLEN FROM DC MUSEUM.....

BREAKING NEWS................................

THIS JUST IN .... An exclusive report brought to you by FOX NEWS, the fair and balanced news station that everyone (with an IQ of 50 or below believes.)

Unconfirmed sources have reported that Mitt Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan were victims of a Bite and Run attack an hour ago while on the campaign trail. Hordes of cats, a few dogs, a lone wolf and a few skunks  invaded the Romney Campaign bus and bit all on board while chanting "Show us your tax returns!" A dog wearing a Che Guevara beret bit Romney on the buttocks shouting "That was for Seamus. Next time we will strap you to the roof of our bus!" 

The bus driver survived with the least amount of injuries. He claims that most of the cats were wearing tiaras, some berets, and one was dressed as a Jedi knight complete with cape and light saber.

Screams and sneezes were heard miles away from the attack. A bio-hazard unit was brought in to remove the stench from the bus. Mrs. Romney reports that not only was her designer blouse that cost a mere $10,000 torn, but her watch, earrings and Gucci handbag are now missing. The most horrifying part of it all was that a cat turd was found in her up-do.

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All victims were taken to an undisclosed hospital and are in stable condition. A nurse claims that a cat wearing scrubs and a tiara came into the hospital and switched the pain killer medication with Flintstone vitamins. The nurse and the bus driver are now on medical leave until they pass a psychiatric evaluation.

No comment has been issued by the Romney campaign at this time. Authorities believe this was the work of the infamous liberal domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace run by feline celebrity Zevo hussein Calamari and her cohorts. This dangerous pack of cats have been laying low for quite some time. Speculation was that the cats retired and were living on a remote island with Captain Jack Sparrow while hiding from the CIA, FBI, IRS and Homeland Security. The rebel cats are known for biting political pundits, mostly Republican politicians, stick insect models that wear fur and for sport, the mayor of Salem MA.

No one has seen Mizz Calamari for quite some time. Some believe she roams the streets of Washington DC in disguise conducting her covert activities and planning for more Bite & Runs closer to the election. Others claim she has retired and passed on the reign of power to her bodyguard and Jedi Knight, Sir Nubi wan Kenobi.

In other news....

Earlier today in Washington DC authorities at the National Gallery of Art reported that several Monet paintings were missing when the museum opened. Security cameras seemed to have been taped up with masking tape and cat hair. The FBI has now taken over the crime investigation and refuses to offer any more details until the paintings are discovered.

The Pooses for Peace have released a tape with Zevo Calamari who appears to on a beach. "Mitt Who? Where is the National Art Gallery? Does this Gucci bag make me look fat? Ack ack someone hand me that bottle of Pastis... the taste of stupidity and greed are making me gag, gag.... ack... Oh Capt Jack could you hang that painting in the bedroom please......"

You Are Invited....

Hola Gatos! 

Estamos teniendo una gran fiesta Cinco de Mayo. Habrá mucho tequila y la comida para todos. Música Mariachi. Por favor, únase a nosotros! 

For all you gringo cats here is the translation! We are having a big party Cinco de Mayo. There will be lots of tequila and food for all. Mariachi Music too. 

Please join us! 

at the

DC Pooses for Peace Secret Headquarters

Saturday 5/5/012 

5:00 pm -? 

Special musical guest: Jimmy Buffett 

with our friends:

Salma Hayek

 Ugly Betty & her familia 

and the ghost of Frida Kahlo! 

All you can eat tuna y pollo tacos

Margarita Fountain!

Nip Flan

Jose Cuervo 

Boys, bring your own sombreros. Uni-brows, red lipstick and traditional Mexican costumes are a must for all girls. Ugly Betty ponchos and blue braces are also acceptable to wear! 

 Ole! 

The Pooses for Peace

por favor ... please visit the Planet Calamari Shoppes

Deja Vu! Socre Blu!

Paris, France

French Officials report that several pieces of art, sculpture and jewelry from the Medici collection is now missing from the Louvre. No details of the theft have been released as of this hour. Sources believe that the infamous Pooses for Peace are responsible once again for the theft. A gala for Zevo hussein Calamari and her cohorts was held at the Louvre last night to celebrate the celebrity feline's 19th birthday causing chaos in Paris all week.

On Thursday and Friday evening, Paris Police were called into Montmartre where the Moulin Rouge is located. The police reported that hordes of drunken cats, dogs and a few wolves wearing top hats and tiaras were seen roaming the streets those nights after 3:00 AM singing show tunes from the movie Moulin Rouge. No arrests were made. Rumors that Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor were seen singing and dancing with the cats earlier that evening at the club.

In Britian HRM Queen Elizabeth's corgis are still missing. The Queen blames the Pooses for Peace for flirting with her dogs. Authorities believe the dogs are in Paris and are conspiring to run off to the United States... again.



THIS JUST IN: Statement from Zevo hussein Calamari: "Ugh.. I am so hung over.. hand me that basket... ackkkkkk oh so sorry about your shoes..... ....Um... ok.... Oh... yeah... Um...Does this Medici necklace make me look fat? aaaaack ginger ale please... turn those camera lights off paaalease! "

Happy 19th Birthday Zevo hussein Calamari!

Queen of Snark, founder of the Pooses for Peace, CEO of Planet Calamari and infamous cat burglar.... we love you!

Save 19% off all items at the Planet Calamari Etsy Shop by using the code ZEVO19 when checking out.

Zevomas in Paris!

Hordes of cats, dogs, skunks and celebrities have been pouring into Paris over the past few days to celebrate Zevomas. Most of the guest are staying at the Ritz Carlton.

Paparazzi have been hoping for glimpses of Sandra Bullock who is rumored to be staying with the celebrity cats. Johnny Depp sans wife Vanessa Paradis has also been seen drinking wine at a local cafe near the Louvre. The Ex Mrs Depp refused to be a part of the celebration. She claims the cats bit her again while they were staying with the Depps in their French villa.

Other celebrities seen walking the streets of Paris today were Donatella Versace and Gwyenth Paltrow. Versace will be providing the cats with couture to wear at both the Moulin Rouge and Louvre parties.

Feline celebrities have been seen shopping and dining on cheese and tuna pate. Mizz Lucy Fur, Nubi wan Kenobi, Smudgie de San Diego and the infamous Mizz Boo are planning the party details for this Saturday night's celebration. Other famous pooses will be attending such as,
Cheysuli and Gemini, The infamous Meezers and Daisy the Curly cat are just a few. (please forgive us for not html-ing tonight). Rumors are flying that Jewelry designer M hussein Monkay will be arriving with prima ballerina Luna miso Poosie. Rumors that the feisty beret donning Che Nikki will be making a guest appearance as well.

Celebrations will be held the entire week in Paris.

Inviting all Pooses to join us Monday and march in the Zevomas Parade at Arc de Triomphe.

Tuesday join us for fireworks and a gathering at the Eiffel Tower.

Wednesday we will be celebrating at the Latin Quarter with fine cheese, wine and music.

Thursday and Friday we will be partying at the Moulin Rouge! Bring your own Top Hats and Tiaras!

Saturday - Birthday Extravaganza at the Louvre!

Today at a Zevomas Press conference Jimmy Buffett issued this statement: "I am honored to be invited to Zevo's birthday gala. I had so much fun at the Casino Calamari in the past few years. And I am so happy that we will not be stranded in the Salem Ferry Parking Lot during another winter blizzard for this celebration. Fortunately Paris has a very strict fashion code which discourages its government officials to parade in ill fitting black suits!

It will be a pleasure to be with all her friends, too numerous to name and to once again be with those who support the Pooses for Peace Foundation. I have chosen a very special gift for Zevo. The Coral Reefers and I will be playing at her party. Margarita fountains will be provided for all!

The Zevo hussein Calamari Birthday Gala
Saturday 4/14/12
7:00 pm- ?
Louvre Paris France

Please bring your own top hats, tiaras and parrothead regalia!

Adios Salem Fiesta

You are invited to the party of the decade!

Say Good Bye to Salem
with the Pooses for Peace

Adios Salem Fiesta
Casino Calamari
wee Salem
Friday 9/23- Friday 9/30

Special Guests
Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band

Margarita Fountain
All you can eat chicken, tuna and ham buffet
Nip brownies

Dress code:
Parrothead attire
Bring your own coconut bra & grass skirt
no black suits allowed!

We are going to party like its 1999!

Paris Prepares for Zevomas

Associated Press
Paris France

Celebrities and hordes of cats, dogs, skunks and other creatures have been streaming into Paris this week for the extravaganza of the year, Zevo hussein Calamari's 18th birthday.

Celebrations have already begun as the celebrity cats known as the Pooses for Peace rented the entire Ritz Carlton Hotel of Paris for their entourage and friends. Mizz Lucy Fur, Miss Smudge, Nubi wan Kenobi, Luna miso Poosie and Monkay Hussein have been in Paris since the weekend planning the festivities. Other famous felines such as Cheysuli, the Meezers, Miss Daisy along with the infamous Che Nikki the schnauzer (and oh so many more that we just don't have the time or chi to mention or do the html needed) have been spotted sipping wine at cafes along the streets of Paris. Unconfirmed sources have reported seeing the Zevos BFF, Miss Boo snogging with Captain Jack Sparrow at the Ritz. Miss Boo is still wanted by Homeland Security and has been staying in Switzerland for the past year.

The birthday celebration will be held at the Moulin Rouge on Thursday evening. Rumors are flying about that Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor will be performing a few musical numbers from the movie that evening.

A pre-birthday party will be held at the Louvre on Wednesday evening by invitation only for all members, legions and friends of the Pooses for Peace. Live coverage of this event will take place with Oprah hosting.

All attendees are asked to wear tiaras and top hats.

Suarez Family Arrives at the Casino Calamari

Associated Press
Salem MA

The Suarez family arrived at the Casino Calamari today to begin preparations for the Cinco de Mayo Fiesta. The family had so much fun at last year's event they decided to cook for it again.

Ignacio Suarez aka Poppy, father of Betty and Hilda will be cooking for the fiesta. (Ham enchiladas were requested by Cheysuli and her Meezer friends). Other Mexican entrees such as tuna-dillas, flan con nip de gato and pollo tacos will be served at the party.

A margarita fountain has been donated by Jimmy Buffett for the event. Salma Hayek will be loaning costumes from the movie Frida to celebrity cats Zevo Calamari, Boo, Miss Lucy Fur and several of their close friends. Ugly Betty ponchos will also be available for cats and dogs to wear to the fiesta.

Salem Mayor Kimberly Driscoll has called in for extra police units for back up on Wednesday's event. The cats and the mayor have a long history of not seeing eye to eye on holiday festivities. The mayor has been invited to the fiesta on the condition that she dress in traditional Mexican attire, with red lipstick, a unibrow and she must ditch the black suit. No response has been given by the mayor's office as of today on her plans.

Salem Welcomes the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Associated Press

Salem MA

Salem residents woke up to a visit from the Flying Spaghetti Monster this morning. The infamous domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace unveiled the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster along with its restaurant The Holy Spaghetti Factory and its famed Volcanic Beer Bar. A pirate themed boutique along with free underground parking for patrons is also one of the luxuries of this latest establishment.

Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefers joined the celebrity cats in the Grand Opening of the Volcanic Beer Bar.

The cats are devout Pastafarians who believe in the deity the Flying Spaghetti Monster . Pastafarians dress as pirates on Holy Days and quote from the Gospel of the Holy Spaghetti Monster. Friday is a Holy Day.

Because the celebrity cats have the business listed as a nonprofit religious organization there will be no tax on the meals, drinks, nor will they be paying any taxes to the city of Salem.

The cats have been a thorn in the mayor of Salem's side ever since she was elected. .. and the last election results are still being questioned by

Zevo hussein Calamari who claims she won.

The cats have been blamed on several occasions for crimes such as stealing the tall ship known as the Friendship . It is rumored that the cats also own several other businesses in Salem such as the Casino Calamari, Cinema Calamari and a so called Brothel Calamari

Not to be undone by her nemisis, Salem Mayor Kimberley Driscoll had a Spaghetti dinner in her honor at the Moose Lodge today. As advertised on facebook- anyone who showed up and mentioned they saw it on the social networking site could eat for free. Unconfirmed authorities are not sure how hundreds of homeless vagrants showed up for the feast.

Driscoll, fearing the cats would attempt another Bite and Run wore ankle and knee guards under her predictable black suit. Although she will not admit it- Kimberley Driscoll was touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the Haunted Happenings Parade this past October. Click here if you don't remember that!

Extra security was called in as well, however no cats were seen at the Mayor's Spaghetti dinner. However the Mayor reports that her iphone and earrings are once again missing and blames the cats. "Those cats are a menace to Salem. I cannot tell you how many iPhones and earrings i have lost due to them. I will fight to charge tax on their meals and beverages. How dare they put an underground parking facility in without my permission. Now I will have to hire a consultant, lay off more teachers and firemen and raise taxes. Why is there red sauce on my suit and oh my gawd....what is that smell? Anyone have a can of Frebreeze? ack. .. ack...."

Spokes-poose Zevo Calamari issued a statment: " Salem residents.... May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his Noodly Goodness! RAmen!"