Pooses for Peace Stowaways on Friendship Bound to NY?

Associate Press
Salem MA

BREAKING NEWS...DOMESTIC TERRORIST CATS BELIEVED TO BE STOWAWAYS ON THE TALL SHIP FRIENDSHIP BOUND FOR NYC

The domestic terrorist group known as the Pooses for Peace are believed to be stowaways on the tall ship known as the Friendship this evening. It's destination is NYC where the famed cat burglars may be planning one more heist at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.



Mayor Kimberly Driscoll attended the ceremony in her predictable ill fitting black suit. Being caught off guard she was not wearing ankle (or shall we say cankle) or knee guards and is said to be nursing an ankle bite by a mysterious cat wearing a tiara that ran onto the ship. Other cats wearing tiaras, pirate hats and a dog wearing a Che Guevara beret were also spotted running up the ramp unto the shp.

The mayor is in stable condition. Her suit however is covered in grey fur and has several tears. No witnesses were available to identify the so called cat. The mayor has lost credibility with many of the locals of Salem except for the ones who unfortunately drank the dreaded Driscoll- laced coffee served at the Chamber of Commerce meetings.

Unconfirmed sources report that the celebrity cats have been laying low for several months planning for this opportunity. The cats are said to be moving their Bite & Run headquarters out of Salem MA soon to an undisclosed area in the Baltimore/DC area. It is said the cats are tired of the shenanigans happening in Congress and on Capitol Hill and plan to have a presence in when congress returns from their vacation. And they are totally bored with the petty small politics of Salem.



Captain Jack Sparrow, friend and accomplis to the celebrity cats was seen walking through Salem yesterday at the Maritime festival. Authorities believe he is also aboard the Friendship this evening. Homeland security and the FBI have been alerted.

Zevo hussein Calamari, spokespoose for the renegade operation issued a press statement from what appeared to be a bunk in a ship: " It was like totally so cool that everyone was waving white hankies today. Kimmie who? I have a foul taste of politiican in my mouth. Please pass that rum, Jack. Thanks hon."

Pirate Cats Return Missing Tall Ship

Salem MA


The Friendship, Salem’s beloved tall ship, is finally home. Crowds cheered and waved hankies as the Friendship sailed into Salem's Derby Wharf today. Aboard the ship was Captain Jack Sparrow and the celebrity cats The Pooses for Peace in full pirate regalia and very inebriated.

A modern replica of the 1797 East Indiaman, the ship is normally docked at the Salem Maritime National Historic Site at Derby Wharf, where it’s open for tours throughout the week.

Since May, however, The National Park Service claims that the ship has been in Boothbay Harbor, Maine, for repairs. Unconfirmed sources revealed that the ship was actually hijacked earlier this year by the domestic pirate group known as the Pooses for Peace and Captain Jack Sparrow. To save face the City of Salem agreed to play along with the ship needs repair story. The cats and the Mayor of Salem have had tumultuous relationship the past several years. And it has not improved recently.

Mayor Kimberley Driscoll attended the ceremony wearing ankle guards under her only black drab suit for fear of another Bite and Run attack by the cats. As the ship pulled in, her nemesis, Zevo hussein Calamari waved and called out "Hi Kimmie.... is that a new iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" The mayor, believing Zevo to be in Italy was surprised and reached for her new iPhone to call the Salem PD, ....when it was instantly snatched from her hands by what appeared to be a black cat wearing a Jedi robe. (The Salem PD was too busy guarding the construction near the Tavern on the Square to respond anyway.)

Mayor Drisoll made the statement" We are so happy to have the Friendship back in our city. Those responsible for this travesty will be punished. And where is my iPhone? OH my.....is that Captain Jack Sparrow?"


Zevo Calamari also issued a statement "What iPhone? Does this pirate hat make me look fat? Jack darlin' pass me the rum. "

Captain Jack Sparrow Seen on Missing Ship

m
Associated Press
Somewhere on the High Seas.....

US Costguards have reported spotting the missing colonial vessel known as the Kalmar Nyckel out on the high seas in route to Hawaii. The ship mysteriously vanished from the Salem Maritime festival sometime Sunday night.

Unconfirmed sources said that the Captain of the Coast Guard ship claims to have seen Captain Jack Sparrow along with several cats in pirate gear drinking rum and dancing on the ship. The Captain has been put on medical leave and is being watched carefully. Other crew members who wish to remain anonymous also claim to have seen cats in pirate costumes. However one reported seeing a cat dressed as a Jedi, but wearing a patch over his eye. Authorities are still not sure if this ship is the Kalmar Nyckel as the name painted on the vessel was The Calamari Nickelodeon.

Salem's Mayor Kimberley Driscoll wearing her trademark black suit released a statement early this morning. "I have no doubt that those wretched cats, the Pooses for Peace have something to do with this latest travesty that has taken place in my beloved city of Salem. We will find this missing ship and punish those who stole it. .... oh by the way did you hear that no one will be running against me in the next election?"