Planet Calamari Zazzle shop

2009-08-15

John Mackey Victim of
a Whole-Body Bite & Run Attack

BREAKING NEWS............ AUSTIN TEXAS............. WHOLE FOODS HEADQUATERS

Hordes of cats dressed in Whole Foods aprons and Che Guevara berets stormed into the Whole Foods Headquarters today during a Board of Directors meeting. John Mackey along with several other greedy bastards members of the whole board were bit, poked and scratched. The board was meeting to discuss Mackey's blunder in revealing his true neo-con right wing colors in his op-ed column in The Wall Street Journal.

His statement read:"Health care is a service that we all need, but just like food and shelter it is best provided through voluntary and mutually beneficial market exchanges. A careful reading of both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution will not reveal any intrinsic right to health care, food or shelter. That's because there isn't any. This "right" has never existed in America."

Mackey was taken to the hospital for bites on his ankles, knees and private parts only to be turned away at the ER. Unconfirmed sources believe the cats stole his ID and his insurance card and replaced them with a drivers license from Mexico with the name Juan Macarana. Mackey is now at the public clinic waiting to be being treated for bites and allergies. He is hoping to be looked at by a nurse practitioner in a few hours.

Some of the cats threw organic apples and left organic "droppings". A biohazard team was called into the Whole Foods building to rid the room of the stench, droppings and dander. Authorities believe the attack was the work of the Pooses for Peace Bite & Run Brigade. The cats are known for their liberal, socialist ties to the Obama administration.

Zevo hussein Calamari issued a statement today from an undisclosed location. " You should have been bit long ago for making your employees wear these hideous aprons. Healthcare, food and shelter are basic human rights....not that you pay most of your employees enough to afford such things! Oh and you can
take your organic overpriced food and shove it up your whole &%$@! "

5 comments:

zevo hussein calamari said...

bllllaaaaaauckkkkk.... ack gag... the taste of organic greed...pass me some of that tequila. we will be shopping at our local farmers market and the vitamin shop from now on!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Capt Jack and I commend the Pooses for Peace for a job well done. We wish he would sign up for a cruise somewhere on the high seas so we could show him the real meaning of Yo Ho Ho.
Love, Princess Guacamole

Miss Lucy Fur said...

I know he's baaaaad man, but I really love those chocolate thingees he sells for $75 a pound!

Miss Lucy Fur

boo said...

my pet human walks there for her organic food fix. but since today is farmer's market day, maybe she'll walk just a liiiiittttle bit further and get some REAL whole food??? and maybe a TREAT for me, since she left me alone for a WEEK!!

well.......auntie marilyn DID stop by... but still...

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I used the Organic 365 brand as it's not always really organic thanks to loopholes in the organic laws that Mackey has exploited. Oh and here--take this for not unionizing as well...

But boy am I going to miss that great imported raw cheese they have... sigh.