The National Enquirer
Captain Jack Sparrow Seen with Drunk Pirate Cats
Reliable but unconfirmed sources report seeing a colonial vessel commanded by Captain Jack Sparrow with a crew of drunk cats in pirate costumes entering the waters of Kauai. Authorities are not certain if this is the missing ship that mysteriously vanished from the Salem MA Maritime Festival last weekend.
The FBI and Homeland Security are in pursuit of the lost ship and the pirates that stole it. Salem Mayor Kimberly Driscoll believes it is the work of her nemesis, the infamous group of celebrity cats known as The Pooses for Peace and their Bite & Run Brigades.
Zevo Calamari text messaged a statement to the press earlier today..."Mayor who? Yo ho yo ho....What ship? Um do you think this wench costume makes me look fat? Arrr arr arrr please pass the rum Captain dear..... "