Bill O'Reilly Victim of a Pastafarian Attack
FOX NEWS ALERT
During Bill O'Reilly 's latest commentary on the War on Christmas a horde of cats dressed like pirates sprung from behind his desk and attacked him screaming Hail to the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Fox News immediately cut to a commercial.
Mr. O' Reilly is in stable condition at an undisclosed location. Unconfirmed sources report he suffered major bites and scratches on his head, nose, mouth, knees and ankles. He was given large doses of antihistamines since he is severely allergic to cats, (and a cat hater). His blackberry and watch were lost in the scuffle.
This past week Bill O'Reilly had blamed the members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and those who celebrated Festivus, as the cause of the recession and the reason people are no longer saying Merry Christmas. In one segment of his War on Christmas he kept referring to the members of the church as those "spaghetti people".
Authorities believe it was the infamous "Pooses for Peace Bite & Run Brigade" responsible for the attack. Several members of the Pooses for Peace are devotees of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), which are known as pastafarians.
According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Thus wearing full pirate regalia is mandatory during a Pastafarian event...or in this instance, an attack.
This morning Zevo Calamari was ambushed by the local FOX NEWS reporter who screamed.. "ZEVO CALAMARI.. you just bit Bill O'Reilly. What are you going to do now?" Miss Calamarii replied " I'm going to Disneyland! Shiver me timbers! ack bleeeeyuckkkoooo give me a hit of rum, yo ho yo ho it's a pirates life for me! Hail to the FLying Spaghetti Monster and May you be touched by his Noodly Appendage. RAmen"