Jedi Cat Helps Wolf Escape

By Associated Press
Tuesday, January 5, 2010

IPSWICH — Police say a wolf that escaped from a Massachusetts wolf sanctuary has returned home on its own and was inebriated.

The 5-year-old female named Nina escaped Wolf Hollow sometime between 6:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. on Monday.

Police Lt. Daniel Moriarty says the animal returned to the sanctuary at about 11 p.m. Moriarty said the wolf apparently climbed up a snowdrift in its pen to get out and was unable to get back inside on its own.

Unconfirmed sources believe that this was the work Jedi cat, Nubi wan Kenobi a member of the infamous Pooses for Peace. Nubi wan wanting to surprise his pet human with a gift for Little Christmas, lured the wolf from the Ipswich sanctuary and rode back to Salem on her back last night. Homeland Security believes that Nina the wolf has joined the Pooses for Peace and was somehow involved in the outburst during Mayor Driscoll's inauguration yesterday.

According to Salem locals, hordes of cats, dogs and skunks held protest signs outside the inauguration ceremony yesterday morning demanding a recount. Pooses for Peace Zevo Calamari was the write in choice for the mayoral election in November. Salem authorities did not count the votes cast by the thousands of cats, dogs, skunks and a few raccoons for Miss Calamari, thus declaring Driscoll the winner. Tensions between Driscoll and Mz Calamari have escalated to a new level.

Extra security was brought in for the ceremony and sources believe the mayor once again wore ankle and knee guards under her only black suit for fear of another Bite & Run incident. However, much to the surprise of everyone the attack did not take place. For some odd reason Mayor Driscoll's black suit was covered in a large amount of fur after the ceremony. She was seen febreezing her pants and taking an antihistamine.

A strange odor did permeate the ceremony and several of those who attended reported their iPhones and earrings to be missing. Others began sneezing and gagging. EMT and Biohazard units were sent in.

Zevo hussein Calamari has been spotted dining with her cohorts in Italy last evening.

Miss Calamari released a statement this morning " Ciao Bella! What wolf? What earrings? George, please pour us another glass of the please."