Jack Sparrow Appears at Salem Parade Tonight
Captain Jack Sparrow rode into Salem on a jet black Vespa, with the Gatti della Strega sui Vespas, leading the Haunted Happenings Parade this evening. His swagger and the glint in his eyes caused women to swoon and faint all over the parade route, creating a stress on Salem's underpaid EMT system.
Before she fainted, Mayor Kimberly Driscoll called for an emergency back-up from the Boston Fire Department to handle the overload. The mayor lost a pair of earrings and her blackberry when she fainted. As predicted, the mayor wore her black suit to march in the parade. The "What Not to Wear" crew were anxiously waiting a chance to surprise the mayor with a make over. However, since the mayor was rushed to the hospital for a swooning incident the make over has been postponed until next season.
Other celebrities rode with the Pooses for Peace as a sign of solidarity for their cause. George Clooney rode along side Miss Boo on his Harley hog. Oprah, BFF of Miss Lucy Fur rode on a special orange Vespa with her name etched in gold. Zevo Calamari led the cast from the Rocky Horror Show on her blue Vespa. Brad Pitt sans wretched children and Angelina Jolie was seen on a Harley hog too. Hundreds of cats dressed in black witch hats and capes rode Vespas, Scooters and Skateboards too.
Boycotting the presidential debates, David Letterman, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert in rickshaws peddled by local Salem witches, followed Presidential candidate Cheysuli and her body guard Nubi wan Kenobi in her electric Smart.
Other celebrities who played witches in movies, such as Nicole Kidman, Sandra Bullock, Cher, Bette Midler, rode Vespas and Scooters along with the infamous Bite & Run, Whap and Run Brigades. All wore black witch hats and capes and carried brooms.
The Poop & Run and Poot & Run Brigades were forced to march after the Boston Police Equestrian Patrol. EMT Units had to be called back in to assist all those who were gagging and puking. The City of Salem sent in a Biohazard team to rid the streets of the stench. Incense has been lit all over Salem.
As of 11:00 pm tonight, all the bars, clubs and restaurants in Salem are filled with drunk cats, dogs, skunks and celebrities.
Mayor Kimberly Driscoll was not available to comment on the commotion tonight. We expect a press conference tomorrow morning.