Cats Cause Disturbance at Salem's Tavern in the Square (TITS)

Associated Press
Salem MA

The latest Salem scandal reached a peak tonight when hordes of cats stormed into the Tavern on the Square, also known as TITS to the locals, The cats ordered rounds of tequila for all and had it put on the Mayor Kimberley Driscoll's tab. After several rounds the cats began dancing on the table tops and biting patrons on the ankles.

Other cats began changing the channels on all the TVs playing the Red Sox game in the Tavern to the Animal Planet channel which caused another fight to ensue between Sox fans and the cats. Most of the jocks are in stable condition at Salem Hospital.

Salem Police were called in to stop the disturbance, but none were available as they were all on street duty for Verizon and Comcast. Several patrons left sneezing and gagging. Others reported lost jewelry and blackberries.

Authorities believe that the cats are the infamous celebrity cats known as The Pooses for Peace. However the Pooses for Peace were last seen in Switzerland hiding out from Homeland Security with the Sisters of Perpetual Holy Cheese. It is rumored that the cats are really a covert agency approved by Obama and they are in Europe for an undisclosed reason. No comment has been made by the White House on the cats.

The cats causing the disturbance at the TITS were in disguise, wearing black suits and black wigs resembling Salem's Mayor Kimberley Driscoll. None were wearing the signature tiaras that the celebrity cats usually don.

Rumors on Facebook have been surfacing all weekend that TITS was given a free liquor license and a free pass from the Salem Health Dept courtesy of the mayor. TITS was also given permission to cut down trees and remove the grass on city property to make room for more outdoor dining. As one cat said "In this town, one paw washes the other. Those with money make their own rules here."

Mayor Driscoll issued a statement. "These cats are a menace to this community. They have caused nothing but trouble since I have been elected. And stop mocking my black suit. I only make $80,000 a year. Do you expect me to wear Versace?" The celebrity cats and the mayor have had an on going feud for the past few years. It began at one of the Haunted Happenings Parade and has escalated since.

Zevo Calamari issued a statement via blackberry "Please pass the cheese and more of that wine. What TITS? Mine are real and spectacular. Mayor Who?