Planet Calamari Zazzle shop


Celebrity Cats Celebrate
Grand re-Opening of Pamplemouse!

Associated Press
Salem MA

Hordes of cats wearing tiaras, top hats and one dressed as a Jedi with robe and light saber were seen running through the Salem Farmers Market tonight and through the Essex Street Mall. It is no secret that the celebrity cats known as the Pooses for Peace and their entourage have just returned from hiding from Homeland Security um ..a vacation in Switzerland.

Zevo Calamari, Miss Lucy Fur and Miss Boo all donning their trademark tiaras mingled with the Salem locals tasting cheese and wine. As always they were the life of the party with their celebrity gossip and tidbits on fashion.

Miss Lucy Fur ordered several cases of the Home Grown Red wine for her BFF Oprah. Miss Boo who is rumored to be dating George Clooney was seen buying plates, glasses and cool kitchen gadgets for his villa in Italy. Zevo Calamari, now a Salem resident and owner of Brothel Calamari Casino Calamari plans to hire the Pamplemouse staff to cater all events taking place in the future. (Rachel Ray was fired recently by the cats for undisclosed reasons.)

The infamous Pooses for Peace are known for their Bite & Run attacks on celebrities that wear fur and most of the GW Bush administration in the past 8 years. They have also had several run in with Salem's Mayor Kimberly Driscoll and her black suit. A few nights ago the cats were blamed for the disturbance at Tavern in the Square, aka TITS. No charges were filed as the security cameras were all mysteriously turned off during the incident.

No complaints were reported about the cats tonight. Authorities believe the cats are still at Pamplemouse drinking wine and eating what is left of the cheese. Mayor Driscoll has asked the Salem Police to monitor the Essex Street Mall and arrest any drunk cats seen disturbing the peace.


Cats Cause Disturbance
at Salem's Tavern in the Square (TITS)

Associated Press
Salem MA

The latest Salem scandal reached a peak tonight when hordes of cats stormed into the Tavern on the Square, also known as TITS to the locals, The cats ordered rounds of tequila for all and had it put on the Mayor Kimberley Driscoll's tab. After several rounds the cats began dancing on the table tops and biting patrons on the ankles.

Other cats began changing the channels on all the TVs playing the Red Sox game in the Tavern to the Animal Planet channel which caused another fight to ensue between Sox fans and the cats. Most of the jocks are in stable condition at Salem Hospital.

Salem Police were called in to stop the disturbance, but none were available as they were all on street duty for Verizon and Comcast. Several patrons left sneezing and gagging. Others reported lost jewelry and blackberries.

Authorities believe that the cats are the infamous celebrity cats known as The Pooses for Peace. However the Pooses for Peace were last seen in Switzerland hiding out from Homeland Security with the Sisters of Perpetual Holy Cheese. It is rumored that the cats are really a covert agency approved by Obama and they are in Europe for an undisclosed reason. No comment has been made by the White House on the cats.

The cats causing the disturbance at the TITS were in disguise, wearing black suits and black wigs resembling Salem's Mayor Kimberley Driscoll. None were wearing the signature tiaras that the celebrity cats usually don.

Rumors on Facebook have been surfacing all weekend that TITS was given a free liquor license and a free pass from the Salem Health Dept courtesy of the mayor. TITS was also given permission to cut down trees and remove the grass on city property to make room for more outdoor dining. As one cat said "In this town, one paw washes the other. Those with money make their own rules here."

Mayor Driscoll issued a statement. "These cats are a menace to this community. They have caused nothing but trouble since I have been elected. And stop mocking my black suit. I only make $80,000 a year. Do you expect me to wear Versace?" The celebrity cats and the mayor have had an on going feud for the past few years. It began at one of the Haunted Happenings Parade and has escalated since.

Zevo Calamari issued a statement via blackberry "Please pass the cheese and more of that wine. What TITS? Mine are real and spectacular. Mayor Who?


The Sisters of Perpetual Holy Cheese

Associated Press
Somewhere in the Alps.....

CIA agents attempted to investigate reports of the renegade cats known as The Pooses for Peace wanted by Homeland Security. Authorities believe the cats are hiding at a convent run by The Sisters of Perpetual Holy Cheese.

This is not the first time the nuns have been suspected of hiding the cats. In 2007 the cats were wanted by Homeland Security after being accused of biting Dick Cheney. They fled to Switzerland until the matter was forgotten.

Unconfirmed sources claim to have heard the nuns singing "How do you solve a problem like Zevo" after the CIA agents left the convent. No cats were found.

Mysteriously the agents' vehicles were unable to start. Someone had stolen the batteries and unplugged the cables. One CIA agent has reported that his sunglasses are now missing.

The whereabouts of these cats remains unknown.


Deja Vu....

Associated Press
Salzburg, Austria

Last night's final performance at the Salzburg Music Festival ended with a standing ovation, a chase scene and the song Edelweiss floating through the mountain air.

Authorities are baffled by the appearance of a group of singing cats, who called themselves The Von Trapp Poose Singers. They were dressed in costumes made from what appeared to be fabric from hotel drapes. Three were also wearing tiaras.

The cats sang Edelweiss as their last song. The audience sang along with tears in their eyes. After the third standing ovation the cats were no where to be found. Unconfirmed sources believe these cats are the infamous Pooses for Peace who disappeared mysteriously from the San Diego jail this week. They are now wanted by US Homeland Security.

The cats were seen fleeing over the mountains to a nearby convent on the border of Switzerland.





Swat Team Surrounds MO's

Associated Press
San Diego CA

The San Diego PD SWAT Team was called in last night to MO's in Hillcrest CA to break up a party and cat fight. Authorities are not releasing any information on the situation at this time. A press conference is scheduled for later this evening.

Unconfirmed sources report that the celebrity cats known as the Pooses for Peace were doing shots of tequila and began taunting tourists wearing We Love Sarah Palin t-shirts. One of the tourists called the cats liberal terrorists and another called Miss Lucy Fur "a fat cat". Miss Lucy Fur has been on a special medication for anger management that loses its potency if alcohol is consumed. The cats went into Bite & Run mode and a fight ensued.

Other celebrity cats were also seen in the skirmish. A black cat wearing a rainbow cape with a light saber along with a small black cat with thumbs and a larger thumbed white cat pulled hair, bit ankles and knees. Presidential candidate Cheysuli was spotted dancing with her entourage the Meezers during the rumble. Baltimore cats Tao and Sarge along with their dog friend Stoli were throwing chips and salsa at the crowd. A schnauzer wearing a Che beret kept screaming Viva la Revolucion! The cats were in Hillcrest this weekend to celebrate Gay Pride. Their float won first place again in the Pride Parade this year.

Several tourists were rushed to the nearest Urgent Care for bites and allergy attacks. Reports of missing jewelry, blackberries and wallets are pouring into the San Diego PD today.

The celebrity cats are in custody at this time. No statement has been released by their lawyer.

Stay tuned for the press conference at 6:00 pm PST


Preparing for the San Diego Pride Parade!

There is so much to do before Saturday's Gay Pride Parade! The Pooses for Peace will have its famous Poose Pride float again in this years parade along with the marching Bite & Run Brigade Band with Cheerleaders. We will be right behind our friends the Dykes on Bikes, who lead the parade every year.

We will be at several parties held in Balboa Park during the day and MO's on Saturday night. All pooses are invited to be a part of the festivities. Please bring your won tiaras, rainbow gear and glitter.

I am so happy to be back in my old neighborhood of Hillcrest and staying with Miss Boo this trip. Nubi and Luna are staying with Miss Lucy Fur. She thought it would be a good distraction for that dog she lives with.

See you on University Avenue in Hillcrest Saturday!!!!!!!!


Jedi Cat Saved by The Force

Nubi wan Kenobi, Jedi Poose was attacked and bit yesterday by an alien dog like creature visiting his home in hopes of being adopted. Nubi wan used the force to fly away before the dog could harm him in anyway. Luna diPoosalita was also attacked but flew away to find reinforcements. Zevo Calamari was hung over from the night before um,,, napping at the time and was safe from the alien.

A second attack ensued andNubi wan drew his light saber ..the Force was strong in him and no harm came to him or the alien dog.

With his Jedi powers he waved his paws to his pet humans and said "This is not the dog you are looking for. Move along. "

The pet humans immediately returned the alien dog and promised to think twice about adopting unknown aliens in the future.

A party to celebrate is taking place at the Casino Calamari where the Cantina Band is now playing. Cat nip brownies and margaritas are being served to all.

May the Force be with you.


Pooses for Peace Call for Emergency Session

Hear ye Hear ye we call to order this emergency session by order of Zevo hussein Calamari.

My fellow Pooses, fans, entourage and cohorts in crime um good deeds:

It has come to my attention by one of our covert operative spies that my pet humans will be bringing in a fugitive dog tomorrow to live in MY house. ...without my permission. So shocking.

My sources tell me that this dog was convicted of a crime and sentenced to death but was rescued in the nick of time by a very kind lady who knew her previous owner. We are not sure what crime this dog committed. I heard that she called some little yappy dog a biatch... (and face it those yappy little dogs love to provoke a fight) Or maybe she is a jewel thief like moi? We can only hope she has some skills we can use in our escapades. I am certain we will have to place her in the witness protection program and changer her name.

My roomies Nubi wan Kenobi and the new poose Luna diPoosalita (or whatever her name is this week) are pretending they do not know this information. Of course, Nubi thinks he is a dog so he may be happy to have someone to chase a ball with. Luna thinks she is a flying squirrel.

Right now we are on RED ALERT. We can only hope this dog knows that i am the Alpha Queen poose and all others must take orders from me. Oh...and she better not chew my Jimmy Choos!

Thank you all for your support. Oh.. do you think this collar makes me look fat? Pass me a margarita please.
ciao ciao
p.s. Our dear friend Monkay, the thumbed poose will be hosting a Red Alert party here at the Casino Calamari tomorrow night. Cuban cigars and brandy with music by the Buena Vista Social Club.......
Fidel was so sweet to provide these things for us.


happy Birthday Frida Kahlo!

I hope the leaving is joyful; and I hope never to return.
Frida Kahlo

The movie Frida will be featured tonight at the Cinema Calamari.

Frida attire is requested, unibrow and red lipstick for females.
Males... sombreros and Diego attire will do!
Featuring an all you can eat Mexican buffett with a margarita bar!


Is it safe to come out yet?

This message has been sent by Princess Guacamole on behalf of all the Moose in Alaska.

The Pooses for Peace are recommending that all moose, wolves, bears and furry critters stay in hiding until Sarah Palin is officially out of office and her guns are seized by the FBI. Our covert forces will be attempting to lore her over to Russia. We thank you for your patience and help in this matter.


Pooses for Peace Blamed for Sarah Palin's Resignation

In a shocking turn of GOP events, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced today in a rambling speech believed to be wriiten by one of her kids who quit high school, that she was quitting her job at the end of the month -- unleashing a torrent of speculation about her plans, motivation and the insanity of such a seemingly confounding decision.

Some believe Palin plans to run for president in 2012. Other unconfirmed sources believe that Palin is being forced to step down by her nemisis, the Pooses for Peace. The cats along with David Letterman, John Kerry and the liberal press have been making Palin's life a living hell.

Palin has gained weight from the stress of the surprise Bite & Run attacks that have been happening on a weekly basis. GOP pundits believe the Obama administration has hired the cats as covert agents to drive Palin out of politics as a Fourth of July gift to the USA.

Wearing what seemed to be ankle and knee guards under her Wal-mart suit at her lakefront home in Wasilla, Alaska, Palin suggested that she would remain active in national politics. "We know we can effect positive change outside of government, I will keep my promise to make sure the antics of those wretched liberal cats are stopped for good." she said in making the announcement, flanked by her husband, Todd, and members of their family all sneezing. An odd odor permeated the air during the announcement.

The Pooses for Peace are currently in Salem MA preparing their float for the annual 4th of July Horribles Parade held at the Salem Willows. The parade is a mockery of local and national politics. It is customary for the Mayor of Salem and her black suit to be mocked each year. Mayor Driscoll has yet to attend the parade. Unconfirmed sources claim the mayor is worried the cats will try to force her out of office before the next election too.

Zevo Hussein Calamari issued a statement today "Happy Birthday America... So nice to celebrate this Fourth with an intelligent President in office who can speak in complete sentences. Sarah Who? Where's Wasilla? Does this black suit and wig make me look fat? Bo, pass me that flask please............"